Death Anniversary

When I first arrived in Vietnam, the idea of a death anniversary “celebration” seemed a bit odd to me. Back home the death of a family member or friend is something private and not spoken much about after the event and it certainly isn’t “celebrated”. Well, I guess in Vietnam it isn’t exactly a death celebration more like the celebration of life and a public showing that people remember someone who has died.

I think the way that Vietnamese treat death or at least a death anniversary is wonderful and something I think other cultures could learn from. They don’t focus on the sadness of the fact that the person is no longer here, they foucs on the good times had when they were alive. You could even say they focus on the present and are thankful for the people they have around them and the people who are with them now.

For many people a death anniversary is a good excuse to catch up with family members or friends that they don’t see very often. These occasions are always happy times, I have never seen anyone express sadness during a death anniversary ceremony, possibly because they are too busy chatting, eating or drinking. Thankfully, at least for the celebrations I have attended, there is no karaoke and the conversation doesn’t get obnoxiously loud like it can for a wedding.

As most death anniversary celebrations are held at someones house, it usually means only close family members or friends attend, sometimes people come in shifts if the house is particularly small or the person was very known and well liked. The food served is usually prepared at the house, but ouside catering is quite common, the caterers make a day of entertaining guests wishing to pay respects easy and hassle free, the food is usually quite good.

When it comes to food it is not only the guests who enjoy a meal, the person whose anniversary is being remembered also gets a special meal as do the other ancestors of the family. Religion dictates that on the day of a death anniversary the deceased is allowed back to “our” world to visit family and join in the festivities, in spirit of course. A meal is served on the altar for the deceased complete with sauces, drinks, chopsticks, etc. Guests are expected to bring a little something to put on the altar before enjoying a meal.

Often on the days leading up to a death anniversary dead relatives will visit the family in their dreams to remind them to hold a celebration. Black butterflies before a death anniversary are also a symbol that the deceased is waiting for his or her celebration. On the day after a death anniversary the immediate family is expected to offer gifts to the spirits t take back to the afterlife. The gifts come in the form of paper and must be burned so the dead can receive them, paper clothes, cars or toys for children are common items.

I am not a religious person and I don’t give much thought about what will happen to me when I die. Having said that it would be nice to know that every year people still remember me, still gather in my honor and still go out of their way to buy me gifts and try to let me know that someone cares. I think everyone should make an effort to show respect and take time to remember those that have passed on, so next time you complain about loud funeral drumming think about how you would like to go out and how you would like to be remembered.